The leaders we work with aspire to maximize their impact, be successful, and guide their teams effectively. But many have internalized the idea that showing emotions or talking about feelings — at all — is weak or unstable or unproductive.
Studies have shown the opposite to be true: Vulnerability (defined by Brené Brown as emotional exposure and risk-taking) is a trait of strong, respected leaders. We find that leaders who are aware of their emotions — and who can articulate those emotions and manage their stress responses — can more effectively build connections, demonstrate empathy, and manage conflict.
In our work as coaches and with teams, we see the impacts when leaders don’t confidently allow emotions to surface, welcome them in and explicitly work with and manage them. One (or both) of two things happen for us all in these circumstances: we retreat from others and avoid conflict, or we become volatile in our responses, reacting in the moment in ways we may come to regret, feel guilty about, and don’t know how to recover from.
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters
What if we showed up to work, and in particular to the most stressful moments we experience, with the capacity to identify our feelings and a deep bench of strategies to help ourselves manage through stress? How might we lead differently, be perceived differently, achieve success differently?
You’re probably familiar with EI (or EQ, as it’s sometimes called). Psychologist Daniel Goleman, who coined the term, found that emotional intelligence is twice as important as other competencies in determining outstanding leadership.
We learned about the relationship between EQ and leadership from our mentor, Fran Johnston, whose work (alongside Annie McKee and Richard Boyatzis) makes the case that EQ is vital for effective leadership because self-regulation is necessary to navigate high-pressure moments, and social awareness is necessary to build resonant relationships. Developing EQ means building the capacity to manage relationships, foster empathy, and promote understanding of system- and team-level dynamics. Leaders with high EQ inspire, motivate, and manage conflict, resulting in more cohesive and productive teams. They’re better equipped to navigate challenges, communicate effectively, and make decisions that consider the emotional wellbeing of the folks around them. Teams led by emotionally intelligent leaders tend to have higher levels of engagement, productivity, and job satisfaction.
When we coach individual leaders or guide teams, our work begins with some grounding in the Emotional Intelligence model:
Self-awareness is about being able to identify, name, and acknowledge our emotions. It’s knowing your strengths, weaknesses, values, and impact. Self-awareness is at the foundation of all the competencies.
Self-management is about managing change and adapting with positivity. It’s controlling our disruptive impulses and moods. Self-regulation is critical in managing relationships and fostering belonging.
Social awareness is about building connection and rapport. Social awareness is the ability to have empathy, to see and understand what other people are feeling and how your actions impact them. It’s the capacity to move beyond your own ego and intent into a space of responsibility-taking and adaptation.
Relationship management is about skillfully using your social awareness to build strong relationships, to influence and inspire, and to manage conflict. It’s using your self-awareness and social awareness to have a positive impact on your people and create a positive team climate.
On top of Goleman’s four principals, we layer an emphasis on identity, equity, and practices of inclusion that foster feelings of belonging. We recognize that we are all operating within systems of power designed to oppress folks who hold marginalized identities. Working with the Emotional Intelligence model can only happen in a space that is simultaneously intentionally engaged in awareness-building and an insistence on equitable, inclusive practices. If we want folks to bring their authentic selves to the workplace and thrive, that workplace needs to be able to see the individual and meet their unique needs for safety and support.
It’s More Than Just Awareness
EQ is one of those concepts that gets thrown around without a ton of understanding or substance behind it. Folks think, “Yeah, I’m good at talking and thinking about my feelings, so I’ve got that dimension of leadership covered.” In fact, EQ spreads beyond feelings into:
How well do you know yourself? For real?
How effectively do you manage yourself when you’re stressed?
Are you able to act with empathy?
Are you able to communicate effectively by building shared meaning individually and with groups in your system?
Are you able to anticipate, manage, and resolve conflict?
Are you able to admit when you’re wrong?
Are you able to own the impact you have when others feel hurt?
Are you able to facilitate development in others?
Are you able to give and receive feedback?
Can you perceive and react to team and system-level dynamics, holding awareness around both your own power and authority and that of others?
Are you able to build shared consciousness and invest others in your vision?
Can you inspire others?
Are you able to create an atmosphere of trust and enable candor? One in which team members believe they can share ideas and questions and make mistakes without embarrassment, rejection, or punishment?
People think they know how to identify, express, and respond to their emotions. But they often don’t. Not because they’re not capable, but because the nature of work and group dynamics raise all kinds of barriers.
And whatever capacity we do have for managing with EQ goes right out the window when we face stress at work. Under tension, we tend to respond at the extremes — we become either numb to what’s going on or hyper-vigilant; we freeze or fight; we lose trust in ourselves or in everyone around us.
How to Tap Into Your Emotional Intelligence
Building emotional awareness and management takes patience, time, and intentionality. Some people are naturally gifted with a high degree of emotional intelligence, and others need to work on developing awareness, or management, or both. But these are habits of mind and action that anyone can develop — like playing the guitar or meditating — with practice.
It starts with the recognition that EQ is something you want, and likely need, to work on. This is deceptively simple, but when we coach leaders we’re reminded of how challenging it is to recognize that you’re less in sync, or receptive, to managing your emotions than you’d like to be. Because leaders so rarely get meaningful feedback, their capacity to lead with self awareness and management, and with social and relational awareness, can be deeply unknown.
We help coach our clients into a state of awareness. We ask them to slow down, to quiet their busy minds enough to actually experience what’s happening; to pay attention to the physical signs. We help folks name the emotion they encounter in a given situation and talk about how it makes them feel. Often, people don’t understand the differences between emotions and feelings, or how to name them. Emotions rise from sensations in the body, while feelings are the stories our minds tell us about the experience — for example, the emotion of anticipation might trigger feelings of happiness and longing or anxiousness and dread.
That process of self-awareness and self-regulation might look like this:
Awareness: I am feeling something (I am feeling exasperated with a team member or I am feeling burned out).
Identification: I am experiencing an emotion (I am angry or I am discontent).
Then we separate the person from the emotion: I am experiencing anger, but I am not the anger.
From there, we’re clear to chart a path toward resolution or action. What is that emotion telling you? How have you responded in the past, and what happened? What do you want the outcome to be? What do you want to do about this situation? At the end of this process, the action becomes almost self-evident.
EQ is foundational to how we think about coaching at an individual or team level. It’s not extra, nice-to-have, bonus work. It’s key to unlocking a leader's fullest potential. And it takes dedicated time and practice to master. The investment of time and energy ends up saving leaders time and energy when things go awry. It models a culture where emotional safety and health are centered for the full team to see, which makes everyone on board happier and more productive.
Ready to get to work? We’re here with the tools and strategies — and the guidance and safe space — to help you be your best.